Learning to Love Again
by The Lady J
Summary: Bella has lost her husband and her reason to live. as her depression drives her to a breaking point, her friends stage an intervention, sending her to one of the worlds top psychiatrists. Can he help her love again?
1. Chapter 1

*waves* Hello all...

i want to thank Jaspers Izzy for beta'ing this and encouraging me to post this under my real pen name and not under a new name.

* * *

**Flashback**

I was standing in a big gymnasium; peoples loved ones all around me but I couldn't be bothered to notice them. All I cared about was the person standing in front of me. His short blond hair, still so unlike I was used to seeing, was tucked under his military issue hat. He looked so handsome his cammies. The tan color blended perfectly with his sun washed Texas skin. His eyes sparkled with unshed tears, making the light green more bright and vibrant.

He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, and he was mine.

He had been able to hold back his tears; I on the other hand was having no such luck. The tears streamed down my face and my nose was starting to run. It seamed like I had been crying for a week straight. My husband had joined the Army and was embarking on his very first deployment. To a place in the Middle East that I had not been made aware of. Top-secret mission only a handful of people knew about, and I was not one of them.

"Bella, please stop crying. I'll be back soon. It's only for a few months. Its not like I'll be gone for 15 months like most people. This is just a quick mission. I'll be fine."

I nodded and wiped my eyes, "Just a short mission." I said it more to myself than to him. I was about to say something else when the commander of the unit told the men to fall in line. I gave him one last hug and kissed him good-bye.

"I love you Jasper Whitlock. Come home safe."

"I love you too, Mrs. Whitlock, and I promise, I will be home before you know it."

**End Flashback**

"I'll be home before you know it, those were the last words you ever said to me, you know that?" I sat kneeling on the grass in front of a grave marker. The words "Jasper Whitlock devoted husband" written on it in an elegant script Alice had picked out. My fingers wrapped around a handful of flowers. The funeral had only been a week ago. The grass had been laid that same day. The day I watched my husband being lowered into the ground. I hadn't stopped crying since the day they told me he had been killed in combat.

**Flash back**

Alice and I were about to go shopping. Jasper would be home in a few weeks and I wanted everything to look nice when he got home. I had received an email from him that morning confirming the date of his arrival and I was in full "get ready for your husbands return" mode. Alice was dragging me out of the house because she wanted to make sure I looked good for his return. She was such an awesome friend. Her husband was in the Army as well but hadn't been deployed with Jasper. Emmett was in North Korea though, and that meant Alice had to stay behind. Dependents aren't allowed over in hazard zones and North Korea is a hazard zone.

I had just picked up my keys and called for Alice to hurry up in the bathroom when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and my heart stopped. There on my step were two military people in their dress uniform looking very somber.

I couldn't tell you what they said, something about a humvee and an IUD but I think I blocked most of it out. The sound of my keys hitting the floor and my strangled cry alerted Alice that something was wrong. She was soon by my side wanting to know what the problem was. The three of them caught me and carried me to the couch. The two official people kept talking to me but their mouths moved in slow motion and nothing was sticking in my head. They were talking about the funeral and life insurance and all the technicalities that came with a fallen solider. I wasn't listening.

The rest of the week was a blur of emotions and loved ones coming over to give me their condolences. Alice took care of all of the prep work and organized the wake. Had I had my way, I would have stayed in bed, under the covers holding tight to the pillow that Jasper had slept on for the last 7 years. Alice would never let me do that and she had known that were I to have planned the funeral it would have been a small group, quiet and subdued. Alice never did anything small and Jasper's funeral was no exception. Only one person within Jasper's troop had survived. Peter, whom I had never really liked, showed up to pay his respects and then left. I didn't need him there anyway. I knew it was stupid and irrational but I hated him for surviving. _Why did he get to survive while Jasper died? Why was Charlotte allowed to have her husband back and wasn't? I hated them both._

**End flashback**

"You told me it would be safe, that you would return to me! We were going to start a family. Damn it Jasper how could you do this to me. How could you just leave me? What am I supposed to do now? I'm 25 and already a widow. How do I move on with my life when you are…were my life?" the tears came faster, stronger. I was asking the same questions over and over again and never getting the answers to them; I knew I never would. My life was over and I didn't know how to live. I wasn't even sure if I was alive. I felt nothing inside. I may as well have died the day Jasper did.

Jasper had saved me all those years ago while we were in high school. Saved me from an abusive stepfather and found me shelter when I needed an escape. I needed him and now he was gone! He had been my reason to breathe, to keep moving. With him gone I wasn't sure I wanted to keep going. Wasn't sure life was worth it. What kind of a world would it be without someone as sweet and endearing and beautiful as Jasper was? Yet something told me I needed to hang on. I knew Jasper would want me to overcome this, to be strong.

I gripped the flowers tightly in my hands, the thorns of the roses digging into the palms of my hands making them bleed. I liked the pain of it; it let me know I was still alive. The blood dripped down and landed on the grass and was soon washed away by the rain. _When had it started raining?_ My clothing was soaked through and my knees were getting muddy. The logical thing would have been to get up and go home but I couldn't do it. I had to spend, as much time with him as I could. I wasn't ready to let go of him; I didn't know if I would ever let go of him. So instead of being logical I stretched out over the grave. _Maybe if I lay there long enough it would feel as though I were back in my bed next to my wonderful husband_. My face was pointed to the sky, rain hitting me. The clouds were dark gray and angry, the sky looked like it was crying, the weather reflected my mood perfectly. In the distance I heard a clap of thunder and sighed to myself. Thunder always comforted me. It reminded me of Jasper.

* * *

So, i know the world just came to a stand still, i Jaspers Dark Angel KILLED Jasper. but i had to! it was the only way that i would be able to write an e/b honestly removing Jasper from the story was the only way to prevent me from turning the story back into a j/b story.

i also know that most of you that are reading this know me as an only Jasper girl so you are probably all falling over dead that i decided to write and e/b. if you know me you know i hate edward and refuse to read any edward story where he isnt gay!

please leave me some reviews. I'm feeling a bit self-conscious about this story because it is an e/b and out of comfort zone, its not even in the same universe as my comfort zone to be honest with you so please leave reviews i really need to know how you feel about this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**I want to thank ALL of you that reviewed chapter 1. I realize that most of my readers are Jasper Bella readers so to have you read and review my story makes me very pleased. To the ones that told me they are only reading it because I am the one writing it, i am humbled and undeserving of such praise. I truly hope this story will live up to all of your expectations. I am posting this a few days early but doent expect another update till at least the 28th. I may disappear for a lil bit as i am moving in the beginning of july across the country. im working on having a stock pile of chapters so that i can post on a regular basis though so hang with me.**

**For those of you reading this and wondering about my other stories; There is Fault in our Truth is being worked on. i have 4 chapters done, i just need to type them up. Some times hand writing a story really does suck LOL. Make Me Love You has been put on hold. That story got wrapped up in some personal BS and now im having a hard time seeing it as anything but tainted by a friendship that went sour. Its starting to talk to me again but i have had to rework the plot and change a few things in my head that luckily have not been made known within the story itself. i will not however be posting on that story till after There is Fault in our Truth and Learning to Love Again is finished. **

**I would also like to thank my Betas Megara Megumi (who will more then likely kill me before this story is over), Tilly Whitlock who is new to my team of beta's and is very kind in telling me that my writing does not suck, and as always Jaspers Izzy, who with out, you would not be reading this story because i would have never gotten the courage to post it. i want to thank Izzy for pushing me in everything i do. from my writing to my reading. She is my goddess and NOTHING gets posted till she says its good. I love you Babe.**

**Alright, I will shut up now. enjoy the chapter**

* * *

I lay on the ground listening to the thunder and watching the beautiful forks of lighting run across the afternoon sky. I couldn't believe I had once been afraid of thunderstorms. They had, over the years, become a source of great comfort. It normally lulled me into sleep.

_I was cold and wet, and the place I had chosen to hide smelled like dirt. I was covered in mud and scared out of my mind. The tears were pouring down my face and my nose was running. I tried in vain to stifle my sniffles, not wanting anyone to know I was around but someone had heard me. I could hear their footsteps just above me. As they were getting closer,_ _and I inched back further into my hole._

"_Hello?" came the voice of a man I didn't not know, "Is someone there?" I didn't answer, hoping he would decide it was his imagination and turn around. The rain was coming down harder and a clap of thunder sounded just above my head. The sound frightened me and I screamed. The man had heard me, and all of the sudden his face came into focus._

_He was young, maybe a few years older, but still young. His hair from what I could see was chin length and wavy. He was soaked just like I was, though that was not surprising given how hard it was raining._

"_What are you doing under my porch?" The man asked. His voice was soothing and kind. He had a slight southern drawl, which was to be expected as I was living in Texas._

"_Hiding," I said honestly._

"_Why are you hiding?" he asked kindly. I just shook my head and buried my face in my knees; it wasn't something I wanted to talk to anyone about, let a_ _lone a perfect stranger._

"_Alright, you don't want to talk about it. Where do you live? I should take you home." I moved further into the dark space, I didn't want to go home._

"_Okay, you win, I won't take you home either," he said moving into the crawl space. He was tall, much taller then me and almost didn't fit. Seeing him cramped under his porch was starting to make me feel bad, but the knowledge of what awaited me at home stopped me from getting up._

"_Do you have a name?" the man asked. I looked down at my shoes, contemplating giving him my real name or not. I decided to tell him my real name because I was sure I would be seeing him again, even if I didn't want to. He lived too close to my house._

"_Isabella," I whispered._

"_Can I call you Izzy?" the name made me cringe, and I felt bile rise in the back of my throat._

"_My stepfather calls me that," I said trying not to give my hatred for the man I call my stepfather away. "Everyone else just calls me Isabella."_

"_Doesn't sound like you like him very much, so I' will call you Bella." I looked up at the man, but he had gone._

_I was standing in front of Jasper. He looked the same as he did the day he had found me under his porch. Only his hair was shorter.__ He was standing next to a grave marker, his grave marker._

"_Bella, you need to wake up, go home, and get out of the wet clothing or you're going to get sick." I shook my head; I didn't want to leave him. "Bella please." He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me, "Please wake up."_

He released me from the hug and my eyes opened against my will. I had fallen asleep lying on the ground of Jasper's grave. The rain was hitting my face and I was having a hard time breathing as the weight of my dreams hit me. Gasping for air as the rain hit my face, I could smell cinnamon and fresh cut apples all around me. _Jasper had been here_. Memories of the day I met Jasper flooded my head. Everything in the dream had been exactly how I had remembered it.

**Flashback**

"Doesn't sound like you like him very much, so I'll call you Bella." He had said, while holding out his hand imploring me to take it. I looked up at him and nodded slightly letting him know that Bella was fine with me. But I refused to take the hand. "I'm Jasper, what do you say I get you inside where it's dry? I have a sister about your age; I'm sure she wont mind letting you have some of her clothing." I wasn't sure I should trust him. After all the only things I knew about him were that I was at his house, his name was Jasper and that he had a sister. Not a lot to base trust on, however something in my heart was telling me it was okay; that trusting this man was ok. Trusting him would be good for me.

He must have noticed my hesitation because he went on, "You don't have to talk about why you are hiding and you can stay as long as you want, or until my parents say you need to go home," that made me smile slightly, "I just don't want you out here in the storm. It's not safe." Wanting to be out of the rain, I decided to take the hand that was being offered to me.

Jasper and I both crawled out from under the porch and stood up. I took one step towards his house when the front door of the house across the street started to open. Panicking, I took off running around the side of Jasper's house so as not to be seen by the man now standing in the doorway across the street.

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN, GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW!" James was drunk and pissed. He was always drunk, but he wasn't always angry. Today he was both.

The sound of James's voice was enough to send me into an anxiety attack. Jasper followed me around his house, probably asking himself what he had gotten himself into. When he found me again, I was having a full-blown panic attack. He grabbed my shoulders to prevent me from sliding down the side of the house.

"Breathe, Bella. He's not going to hurt you. He doesn't know where you are, and I'm not going to let him hurt you." My breathing started to return to normal. It felt like he was taking me fears away and replacing them with hope. My panic attack subsided faster than it ever had.

"Come on, we'll go around the back." Once inside, he showed me to his sister's room. Esme was a sweet girl and allowed me to use her shower and wear a set of clothes while they, very kindly, washed mine.

**End Flashback**

Esme and I became the best of friends, but Jasper was the one I had always been closest to. It took us a year to realize our feelings for each other were mutual. Walking into that house that day changed my life.

I got up from the ground, completely soaked and muddy and made my way, carefully, to my '08 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It wasn't far and I managed not to slip and fall, though with how muddy I was I doubt it would have mattered much anyway. Removing my now ruined designer trench coat, I got in and started the car. Alice was going to kill me for ruining the coat, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

Arriving home, I found Alice standing on the porch tapping her foot. Looking more pissed off then I had ever seen her. OH SHIT! _You were supposed to meet her for lunch, how could you forget?_ I had been attempting to appear normal to all my friends. They didn't need to know just how much pain I was truly in. Alice and I had always had lunch on Wednesdays and trying to keep up appearance I had decided not to change that. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about lunch today. Never had I, in the 3 years we had been friend's done that.

I parked the car and jumped out. Racing up the walkway to where the Death pixie stood, I stopped dead in my tracks at the look on her face. If looks could have killed, I would have been a chard body.

"Alice, I am SO sorry."

"Good God, Bella what happened to you? You look like you just stepped out of a mud wrestling tournament."

I knew I would sound nuts if I told her I fell asleep in a graveyard during a thunderstorm. It would also blow my "I'm totally fine with the fact that the love of my life died" cover. "My heel got stuck in the mud while I was visiting Jazz and well, you know me." Alice nodded; my explanation while totally incorrect was perfectly believable.

"I'm going to go take a bath and get cleaned up, if you are still hungry we can go out to dinner after I get out." Alice rolled her eyes at me; I knew the answer would be dinner. The ONLY person that could out eat Alice was Emmett. Those two could give a football team a run for their money.

Unlocking the door to my house, Alice and I made our way inside. Alice made herself comfortable in the living room after she picked out a clean outfit for me to wear. I truly was a fashion disaster. I made my way to the bathroom; a shower first to get all the dirt off, and then a hot soak in the tub would do me good.

* * *

**I know my chapters are short but thats just the way this story is going to go. im not seeing at this point anything longer then 2000 words. i'm really excited about this story but im still freaking out about it. Edward is not a character i like and its taken me over a year to find someone other the rpats that i can see as edward that is actually allowing me to write an e/b. Please leave me some love, i actually need the reassurance with this story.**


	3. Chapter 3

OH MY GOD! i know i said i would have this out on the 28th of june or some thing but im moving and everything got all messed up. Chapter 4 is finished and i will be sending it to my beta's in a few days. But i dont know when i will have internet so i dont know when i will be able post again.

i want to thank my beta's Tilly Whitlock and Megara Megumi for looking over my crap writing and helping me fix it. I want to give a special thanks to my Goddess Jaspers Izzy because without her i wouldnt be anything.

* * *

APOV

Standing on the porch waiting in the rain, I was pissed. Bella thought she was doing such a good job at hiding how miserable she was, but she wasn't. She was only fooling herself. I had waited for an hour and a half at the restaurant for Bella to show up and she didn't. In the three years I had known her, never once had she failed to show up. I understood that she was going through a lot, but it still hurt being stood up by her. Bella came running up the pathway after having parked the car, apologizing for missing our lunch date, but all I noticed what the state of her clothing. How the hell did she get so messy?

Having exchanged some kind of conversation we went inside. I really was too hungry to give much thought to Bella's excuse for being all muddy. I wanted food and I wanted it now so I picked an out fit out for Bella and forced her into the bathroom.

Walking down the hallway, I couldn't stop my heart from breaking for Bella. Her walls were lined with happy memories. From pictures of her and Jasper as teenagers, to pictures of their wedding and beyond, showcased a wonderful life. A life that was stolen. Yes she should be happy with what she got but that doesn't mean she shouldn't mourn what she has lost. What we ALL have lost. I stopped at a picture at the end of the hall and smiled through the tears that were starting to well up in my eyes. When the picture was taken, we had no idea it would be the last time we would all be together. Bella and Jasper had had a barbecue as a going away. Emmett had taken leave to come home and spend some time with not only me but also, Jasper, whom had become his best friend. Rose and Jake were there as well as Jasper's sister, Esme, and her husband Carlisle.

The day had been sunny, but not too hot. In Texas the summers are normally sweltering, but the day of the BBQ some how had only gotten in the lower 80s. It was the perfect day. We had a pool for the girls and had brought out a T.V for the boys, god forbid they should miss their precious Rangers game. The picture had been taken just after the Rangers had beaten the Yankees. It was the height of the boy's happiness and the picture showed that.

The life of Jasper had touched many people, and we all lost out when he was taken from this earth. I felt bad for all of us, but Bella lost the most. Bella and Jasper had just started trying for a baby when they found out that he was going to be deployed. Upon finding out about the up coming deployment they put the family idea on hold, deciding to wait till he came home, because she didn't want to go through a pregnancy on her own. Now she will never get the chance to have a family with him.

Needing to get away from the sad yet happy memory, I turned and walked down the stairs. Bella would be in the shower/bath for a while so I needed to make myself at home. I turned on the T.V knowing what I would find. Some news channel, this time CNN was on. That girl never watched anything but the news, you would think she would get sick of seeing the same coverage of the same topics over and over again. I flipped through the channels only to realize there was nothing on. I turned the T.V off and closed my eyes. I was just about asleep when my phone started ring.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your health, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

Rose!

"Hey Rosie, how's life?" I said, trying hard to sound more cheerful then I actually felt. Bella was taking a lot out of me, and I was starting to feel run down.

"Hey Ally Cat, I'm doing alright. Just got off work and was hoping you would be up to getting some dinner." She sounded as worn out as I felt.

"I would love that Hun, I'm at Bella's right now. We were planning on going to dinner and would love it if you joined us." Maybe Rose would be able to break up the melancholy mood Bella has been putting me in.

"Awesome, I'm on call so I will have the ambulance with me but I shouldn't have to race out of dinner. How is Bella?" I let a deep sigh escape my lips before finding the words.

"She puts on a good front, but it's killing her. I can see it. I'm really worried about her, to be honest Rose. She forgot about our lunch date today and when she got home, she was covered in mud. MUD!"

"Mud? Like, "don't eat the mud pies, kind of mud?"

"What other kind of mud is there Rose? It wasn't chocolate!"

"What the fuck was she doing covered in mud?" I shrugged my shoulders subconsciously in answer to her question.

"She said she was visiting Jasper and her heel got stuck. I don't think I believe her." Her excuse just wasn't working for me.

"Well, we'll get to the bottom of this when I get there. I'm pulling up right now. Open the door." I got up, crossed the living room, doing my best not to look at the happy pictures of Bella.

Rose was the epitome of beauty even standing with her hair pulled back in a pony-tail, minimal make up and her EMT uniform on.

RPOV

"Hey there Ally Cat, is Hells Bells out of the shower yet?" I said as Alice opened the door to let me in." Bella's house was tiny but elegant. I however expected nothing less because Alice had been the one to decorate. The living room housed a brick micro fiber sectional with cherry wood legs and matching cherry wood coffee table and end tables. The 42-inch plasma hung on the wall surrounded by black and white photos of flowers. I loved looking at these pictures. Jake had taken them. He was a photographer for the Army, though that's not what he was called. He was an amazing talent and it was quite literally being wasted in the Army, but it didn't matter. I loved him and I went where he did. Alice rolled her eyes at me.

"Are you kidding? Bella would stay in the bathroom all damn day if the hot water wouldn't run out!" I nodded, knowing full well she was right. Not wanting to linger in the entry I made my way to the couch to rest. I was an EMT on the Army base and it had been a painfully dull day but my body still hurt.

"So, how long has Bells been in the bathroom?" I asked closing my eyes and stretching out on the couch.

"About a half an hour actually. I'll be right back, I'm going to drag her ass out of the tub." Alice said walking down the hall and out of sight. I heard her open Bella's bedroom door.

Dear God I am so tired. I had been on call all week, which meant I wasn't getting any sleep. I hadn't seen my husband all week and I missed him. Jake was like sunshine, he was always smiling, always happy. He lost some of that when Jasper died. I think we all did. Jake through himself into his work after Jazz passed away and I hadn't had a chance to see him much. My work hours were unstable at best and it made for very sparse relationship with my husband. Hopefully tonight will be uneventfully.

"Oh my god BELLA! ROSE HELP!" I heard Alice's frantic cry and went running down the hall and skidded into the bathroom where Alice was pulling Bella's lifeless body out of the water. My brain seemed to have shut down. All my EMT training when out the fucking window as I watched Alice place a towel over Bella and begin chest compressions and CPR.

"Call 911!" Alice shouted at me as she started her second round of chest compressions. "I can't get a pulse."

_"I can't get a pulse." "I can't get a pulse." "I can't get a pulse."_ The words echoed in my head and the image of Bella registered in my head. Snapping into action I grabbed my phone and dialed 911.

"911 dispatch, what's your emergency?" The woman on the other line sounded so unhappy to be on the line.

"Yes, my friend is drowning. We pulled her out of the tub and are currently trying to resuscitate her through chest compressions and CPR." I was racing to my ambulance for my medical bag. Alice was shouting my name again when I got back into the house. She was terrified and I couldn't lie to myself, I was just as terrified. I saw this kind of thing every day in my job but never once had it been a friend of mine. I was scared out of my mind that we wouldn't be able to save her. I didn't know how long she had been under the water or for what reason she was under. Did she hit her head or had the sorrow of losing Jasper finally taken its toll on her and she tried to kill herself? So many questions that couldn't be answered were rolling around in my head. Once inside the bathroom I took over for Alice. She as doing a good job but I was the one trained in saving lives, or at least trying to save lives.

* * *

leave me some love :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey I'm back. Alright so I planned on posting this earlier but moving across the country is no small feet and I'm just now starting to get my life back together. **

**I want to thank my beta's Megara Megumi and Jaspers Izzy for looking this over and making sure its good enough to post. They are wonderful and I would be no where without them. **

* * *

I removed my muddy clothing and climbed in to the scolding hot shower. My skin tingled and burned as the hot water came into contact with my cold, rain soaked skin. The feeling was painful but welcome. Over the last few weeks I had become so numb that the slightest amount of pain had become a much-needed feeling. Life had been a bit of a daze since I had received the news of Jasper's passing. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain, the emptiness that filled my chest. It was like a hole had opened in my chest and nothing I did made it any better. I couldn't repair myself and I didn't want to. I needed this hole. It's what I got for finding my soul mate so early in life.

I finished shampooing my hair and switched the water from shower to bath and waited while the tub filled up. Jasper always hated the way I took showers. I had spent a few years over in Japan when I was younger and had gotten used to cleaning myself off in a shower and soaking in a tub after. It was a habit I had been unwilling to give up when my family moved back to the states. Jasper always complained that I was wasting water and that I was the reason our water bill was so high. He was of course right, and I conceded his points but still was unwilling to change.

The tub had finished filling and I climbed in, submerging myself in the hot water to let my body relax.

The scent of jasmine and vanilla were strong in the soap infused water. Bubbles clung to my chest and arms as I sank under the water. Holding my breath I opened my eyes. The soapy water stung but my sight was clear, or at least as clear as looking through water without goggles can be. The bubbles had moved making my view of the bathroom possible. The room was small and simple. Jasper had picked out the color of the walls. Sea foam green! I had cringed and almost fought him on the color but he had been so happy that he had been given a chance to decorate one room of the house. Alice and his sister Esme had done the rest. They had bulldozed all of his opinions so when they had told me I could do the master bath however I wanted; I had decided to let Jasper have his say.

I had only questioned his choice after the bathroom had been painted and finished. We had chosen a coastal theme to go with the sea foam color. It was really the only thing that went with the color.

Flashback

"Jazz, I don't understand why you picked this color," I said sitting on the side of the tub staring at the now finished bathroom. It had taken two weeks to complete.

"Bells, this is my favorite color. It makes me think of hope and safety. I feel safe around this color." I had looked at him with what I was sure was a dumbfounded look. I had been so sure his response would have been something generic like "I like the color"; the response I got was nothing like I had expected.

"What do you mean you feel safe? I thought you're favorite color was green."

"Don't you remember the day I met you?" he knew that was a stupid question, of course I remembered; it was the day my life began. I nodded in response.

"This color," he said waving his hands "the color of these walls is the color of the shoes you were wearing. It was the first thing I saw when I looked under the porch. Seeing that color under a dark dirty porch was what made me look harder for you. It's my favorite color because I found you at the other end of those shoes. You saved me that day Bella, not the other way around. This color reminds me of everything that went right in my life." I had tears in my eyes as he finished explaining his color choice. I had forgotten about those shoes. I had hated them! I had told my mom I needed new shoes, and my stepfather had flipped out about me always wanting stupid shit. Later that day, my stepfather came home with those ugly sea foam green tennis shoes. He had found them at a Good Will and refused to allow me to wear anything else. The fact that they meant so much to Jasper had taken me by surprise.

End flashback

Jasper had said the color was one he associated with hope and safety. It was such an odd reason that I had required him to go into more detail. His reason for loving that hideous color was the same reason I loved the smell of damp earth. It always reminded me of the day I was saved from my life.

The bathroom had become my favorite place to be. It was the one place that reminded me of Jasper.

The world was starting to go dark and my head was feeling dizzy. I was still under the water holding my breath. My body was screaming for oxygen but my heart was asking what the point was. Just a little longer and I would be with Jasper.

We were standing in a park; the same one where we had our first date. Jasper had taken me out for a nighttime picnic. We couldn't go far, he may have been 17 but he didn't have a car so we stayed in walking distance of our houses. The park meant a lot to me. A lot had happened over the years in this park. Our first date, the day he told me he loved me. The best thing to happen in this park, though, was the day he proposed. We had sat on our bench watching the kids of the neighborhood play until it had gone dark and they had all gone home.

I didn't know why we had stayed at the park so long, but I was content just to sit there on the park bench snuggled under Jasper's arm.

All he had said when we got to the park was that he wanted us to "get back to our roots." His wording had caused me to laugh but us "getting back to our roots," meant a nighttime picnic. He had placed the ring at the bottom my champagne glass and I had, being the klutz that I am, almost swallowed it. He was always trying to be romantic and I was always finding ways of messing it up. I looked up to say yes and Jasper's face had changed. His hair was shorter, Almost military short but it was still long enough to show some of the curls. He was still gorgeous and took my breath away.

"Bella, why are you doing this?" I didn't understand why he was asking me this question. I thought the answer would have been obvious.

"What do you mean? I want to marry you."

"No Bella, why are you here, this isn't right, you know this isn't the way things are supposed to be."

"I'm doing this to be with you, Jasper. I've always ever wanted to be with you. We belong together." He sighed, moved to stand next to me and wrapped his arm around me.

"You are with me. You will always be with me Bella." His words brought tears to my eyes.

"It's not the same, I can't go on without you. Life, it's pointless if I don't have you to wake up to everyday." He gripped me tighter, he was the only thing keeping me from falling to my knees. He was always the one holding me up.

"You can't do this Bella. I know you think its best, but trust me, it's not your time yet." I blinked, wiping away my tears.

"But why Jasper? Why was it your time and it's not mine?" He sighed again and sat down on the grass pulling me with him.

"I changed my destiny by accident. I should have never been on that Humvee," I stared at him in confusion.

"What do you mean, you should have never been on the Humvee?" I asked. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

"I should have stayed behind on watch, but I wanted to get something special for you. I had seen a ring in the village that would have been a perfect replacement for the cheap ring I gave you originally. Hallen switched posts with me. He should have been the one in the Humvee. He's alive because of me." I cringed, just another reason to dislike Peter.

"You're dead because of him," I said matter-o-factly. "But why isn't it my time? You changed your destiny why can't I change mine? Jasper, I want to be with you. Life isn't worth living if I can't have you with me."

"Listen to me Bella." He said cupping my cheeks with his hands, " I don't have much time you have to go back. You are going to meet a person, soon. They are going to need you just like you needed me. You need to save them." Tears were running down my face again. I could feel a pulling start like something was trying to drag me away. I closed my eyes as Jasper kissed me for the last time, "I love you Baby Bells." I opened my eyes to tell him I loved him too but he had gone. The pulling got stronger and the park disappeared. Suddenly it felt like I was choking. I awoke coughing, Rose was standing over me in her paramedic's uniform as more paramedics came racing into the bathroom. I started to focus on the faces of the people around me other than Rose. My eyes landed on Alice, who had this worried and stern look on her face. I knew I was in trouble.

* * *

**Leave me some love and let me know what you think.**


End file.
